Thursday, July 10, 2008

I am...?

I've been reading The New Earth. Actually, I've finally finished it. It's not something that I'd typically pick up because I stray away from the buzz worthy books. Thanks to Oprah there is a lot of buzzing, which is yet another reason to boycott. But others have suggested it, told me to read it. Someone who reads this blog has suggested it frequently. I figured I wasn't going to escape it.

So I picked up. And I gave it a go.

I like to think I'm pretty grounded and in touch with myself and those around me. You know, self help is beneath me... I know who I am. What I do. What I like. What pisses me off.

Hello ego.

I've come to realize that I'm just a lost spirit, searching, seeking, wanting more. But more of what? I'd like to order a pizza right, I can tell you that. I'd also like to lose about fifty pounds. Own a house. Drive a nice car. Help more in the community. Dedicate myself fully to my faith. Be a better friend. Be a better husband. Be a better teacher. Be a better son.

More, more, more.

I'm sure if the clarity came from the book itself, of if it's always been there and the author simply put into words that I could devour. (More like snack, since it took me so long to consume its entirety).

When I read over things I've written in the past, I see that I'm pretty much in the same place I was years ago. Sure, there has been growth (and I'm not just talking mid-section), but really I'm just marking time. And as much as I love a parade, I want to go on with it... not just stand in place going through the motions, looking at the same old stuff, playing the same old song.

My writing is like a broken record.

A few years ago, all I had to say was that I wanted to finish school and how desperate I was to be a teacher. I thought that would make me complete. Today, I've finished school and I am a teacher. And all I can think about is getting back into school so I can earn my PhD.

Will Dr. Sortofblog complete me?

No. Nor will losing weight. Buying a house. Being considered a good friend. Owning a house. Blah. Blah. Blah. Because all I'll want is more, more, more. I'm always seeking. I'm always wanting. I'm always moving. I'm always defining. I see that I'm just trying to feel an emptiness.

I just don't know where that emptiness comes from right now?

I want to really sit down and really reflect on this book and give it a true review (See, I'm doing it again, this post isn't enough. I want more) but I'm too tired. But since it's fresh, I want to sort some things out. Rather, I want to lay it out now, so I can sort it out later.

-I need to be more present.
-I can't allow that voice in my head define me, situations, or others.
-I can't take things so personal. The world is not out to get me.
-Fear death not, and I shall really live.
-See beauty in all things.
-Realize that things happen for a reason, the inner voice defines it as good or bad.
-I deserve it.
-I am...


1 Babble-Backs:

Tyais said...

Bravo!!!! I can see you actually really read it. I know it is impossible to be and do all things in the book at once. But I feel like alot it makes sense to helping you live a better life, here and now. I catch myself now all the time, putting people down in my head and taking things personally. I didn't realize how often I did that. The bullet points at the end of the blog definitley summerizes.


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