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When I found out that The Wife was pregnant it was a surreal experience. Cognitively, I knew that it really wasn't all that amazing in the grand scheme of things. I mean, people get pregnant all the time. The Virgin Mary... that was impressive. Still, I couldn't help but be proud, excited and thrilled. I felt like little ol' me (for the record: not a penis reference) had accomplished something pretty miraculous.
I was a man! I'd spread my seed.
Reading, it's also not that uncommon for things not to work out. Medically, doctors call it a "natural demise." Us commoners call it a miscarriage. When I told my mom this morning that yesterday our little 9 week baby had no heart beat, she asked if The Wife's body had aborted it. She meant no harm, but the term made my stomach turn.
We knew there was some issues the first time we went to see the doctor. Then, the heart rate was well below the norm. After rushing home to Google through medical journals, I knew the chances of things working out weren't in our favor. Still, I didn't think it would happen to us. My Wife is in perfect health. More, she has a sole that is filled with peace and love. Horrible things shouldn't happen to such a wonderful person. Hell, even in my unwonderfulness, I beat the odds years ago when the cancer cards were stacked against me.
People have babies all the time, yet the joy is so unique and surreal. It seems, though miscarriages are not uncommon, the pain is just as unique and surreal.
Some might call it fear, but this is when I most wrap myself around my faith. I believe that God has a plan for us. I've learned, humbly, that His does not always match my own. I'd still have a baby on the way if it did. But I've also learned, that in time, His plan has always worked for the best even when I don't fully understand it.
Is there sadness? Yes. Is there disappointment? Sure. Still, there is no anger. I don't feel rejected. There are no lingering questions of, "Why us." More so, I don't feel forsaken.
Right now I feel closer to God than I have in years. I feel closer to my wife than ever before. There is a force that makes me love her more.
Even though muted a bit by sadness, I see the beauty that is all around me. And if God willing, I can't wait to share it with my future child.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
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4 Babble-Backs:
Oh I am so sorry. We had a miscarriage between Ellie and Silas. It was very hard for me. I think because we had such a hard time becoming pregnant the first time. I also relate to everything that you blogged. It's his plan and for some reason he saw fit for this to happen. After having Silas and seeing him grow and getting to know him I just look back and think. I wouldn't have him if I hadn't had the miscarriage. Not that I didn't love that child and would have loved to get to know them but Silas and I have quite the bond.
You guys are in my thoughts and prayers.
For me, the first one was surreal and sad. The second one brought intense grief and anger. The third one brought resignation and a sense of helplessness in the face of time running out. What will be, will be.
I hope you never get to three. No one should ever experience three.
Sorry to hear of your loss. I know you both were excited. Try not to worry. I think the worrying makes it harder.
i'm behind in reading your blog, so i'm just getting to this unfortunate news now.
i'm deeply sorry to read the news.
i know we don't know each other, but reading your words, i think you would have been (will be) a tremendous father.
sorry
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