Thursday, February 21, 2008

Foresee the clarity that would follow...

I actually can't recall the last time I was in church. I think it may have been that time that I almost punched the preacher. He was screaming some kind on nonsense about how abortion is wrong because it is murder, but that we should forgive those mothers who have aborted their babies. Then, that we should support the death penalty in the United States because murder is wrong and "an eye for an eye" is taught in the Good Word. And I'm pretty sure that he ended the day about something surrounding how fags are the devil.

I was there only to hear my friend sing, but I guess that's what I get for going to a Baptist church.

I support a woman's right to choose.
I forgive ALL people.
I'm against the death penalty.
I think fags rock! (Can I say fag, if I think they rock?)

Today's church visit was about saying goodbye to a student and being there for my other students. There was no way to foresee the clarity that would follow.

Walking to the church, alone, I was overpowered by emotion by the crowed that had gathered to enter the church, so many young folk. I wondered if I would be seen as an outsider, a pale face, among the differing shades of dark. I wanted to be respectful to traditions and community.

I was embraced by many. Comforted by the boy's grandmother. Told that the loss of a student is filled with a emotion not quite describable or understood.

Yes. But you...?

I sat next to and held hands with a mother that had once scolded me for speaking to her son in a way that she felt was too harsh. We embraced for a moment after the powerful words of a young man sharing his feelings of loss for his friend. And then she thanked me for caring so much.

I cried with my students, for my students. I cried for myself.

For the first time in a long while, I felt the presence of God move through me. I called for Him and I could hear Him answer. I looked inside and there He was.

He had not left me. I had left Him. I was, once again, at it a lone.

Tripping. Falling. Failing.

My selfish pride has always been the one thing that has kept me far... my worst sin.

It is fine, natural and correct to ask why. It is human not to comprehend. Yet, it is in faith that we find the answers. It is where we shall find peace. It is where we find Him. My student wanted to help people. He is more capable of that now, than ever before.

The power to forgive.
He has taught me, for He has shown me.

3 Babble-Backs:

Ty said...

I happy you found your faith. I just wanted to say this blog touched me deeply. March 3rd, last year, my son who had been feeling under the weather passed out suddenly on me. Frankly, I thought he was having a seizure. I was terrified and beleive me terrified doesn't even come close to decribing it. Little did I know then, that I would spend the next 21 days at Childrens Hospital Boston Cardiac ICU unit. During the time I watched my baby boy, fourth grade, skate on the brink. He had acute myocarditis aka mycardial infarction, aka a heart attack, caused by a common virus and aparently a silent epidemic in children and young adults. In that time I became a woman, lost my job, and felt my marriage fail. But my boy Mason made it! I cannot even comprehend what it would be like to lose him. I think I would die myself. Since then I have become an EMT and decided to enroll in a nursing program. I have no faith, I am a darwinist, but when he was there I prayed and prayed. I am very sorry for your loss and for the loss of a great young man. Once again your blog touched me, and I think for my own therapy I may explore this more on my blog. G`nite.

Thom said...

Best think you've ever written.

He's more than likely watching you, laughing about how silly we all are, waiting to pull some kickass prank as soon as you walk through the door.

You and he are both in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

have read you for awhile. I lost my daughter two years ago and this post touched me in many ways. Thanks.


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