Happy mother's day...

I just went through my saved voiced mails and threw out the useless.

One of them was a mean little ditty from my grandpa for not sending my mother a mother's day card for, you guessed it... Mother's Day.

I tried. I really did. I went to buy one. I spent more than an hour trying to find the right one. But they all felt fake to me.

You see, my mom wasn't the best. She wasn't selfless. She didn't really support me when I needed her the most. I don't look up to God and wonder what I'd do without her. In fact, I remember in ninth-grade buying two Mother's Day cards. I bought one that really captured my feelings of a mother. Kind. Understanding. Supportive. Loving.

I ended up giving that card to my science teacher. I adored her. Mom got a print-out from the computer.

Sitting there in the overpriced Mother's Day card selection, I started to feel depressed. Am I the only one who feels the way I do about his mom? Or am I the only one who feels this way and still tries to send a card?

In any case, I think card companies are missing a key market group.

I'm here to help.

OUTSIDE: Mom. This mother's day I want to think you for keeping me off drugs.
INSIDE: You smoked enough crack when you were pregnant to ensure I had my fix for a life time.

OUTSIDE: Dear mom. You always taught me that if I couldn't say something nice, not to say anything at all.
INSIDE: So...

OUTSIDE: I'm the person I am today because of you.
INSIDE: (Picture of a person sitting in the psychologist's office)

OUTSIDE: You taught me to endure life's pain...
INSIDE: ...by beating the shit out of me when you were drunk.

OUTSIDE: Play time as a child brings such funny thoughts...
INSIDE: ...like when you tried to jump out of the second-floor window.

OUTSIDE: Remember that time I won that award at "Parents' Night" at school.
INSIDE: Yeah. You weren't there.

OUTSIDE: You taught me that creativity was life's most impossible virtue.
INSIDE: Which is why dad will never know all those men you use to invite over when he was at work.

OUTSIDE: "Orphan of the state" is awarded to children whose mothers are in prison.
INSIDE: Thanks for helping me get through college, mom.

OUTSIDE: I have fond memories of you, mom...
INSIDE: ...every time I smell majiuana.

OUTSIDE: You always said, "When life knocks you down, get right back up!" And I always have.
INSIDE: Even that time you pushed me down the stairs.

OUTSIDE: I know we don't talk as much as you like.
INSIDE: Thanks for understanding that its the only thing that has kept me alive.

OUTSIDE: I'm sorry I wasn't the son you had hope for.
INSIDE: I know you always said you wanted me to be a daughter.

OUTSIDE: Party it up this Mother's Day.
INSIDE: Treat it like any other day of the year.

OUTSIDE: Mom. It's Mother's Day.
INSIDE: I'm still holding hope that you'll start acting like one.

Fun. Right?